


cosmic pull

by n_kei



Category: NCT (Band), SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Introspection, M/M, Self-Discovery, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 01:14:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20666882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n_kei/pseuds/n_kei
Summary: n.A natural attraction to someone who helps one develop and grow; their existence may be a moment or lifetime, but they can change the course of one's life forever by questioning, healing, inspiring and reminding





	cosmic pull

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: this story is fictitious. I don't predict the future, and it doesn't represent real life relationships.
> 
> First posted on [twitter](https://twitter.com/pnkpxls). If you have any questions, drop them here: [cc](https://curiouscat.me/pnkpxls) :) I decided to break out of my incorrect nct stories series, because while this one fits the AU-Canon tag, the tone and mood are a little different. It's not my first time writing something like this, but it's probably something that goes a little deeper (hello deep character-exploration!) Hope you enjoy <3

**01**

•••

The heavy thoughts settle into his muscles and bones the moment Jaehyun hears the front door close.

It is the early hours of the morning. The sun is still under the horizon, but the sky is a bright pale blue, dotted with grey clouds and the occasional airplane. A moment later, his door opens and Donghyuck drops onto the other bed like a pile of skin and bones.

“Hyung, are you awake?”

Jaehyun inhales quietly and looks over. "Hm?"

Donghyuck smiles crookedly from his side of the room. The rings under his eyes reflect only a fraction of the fatigue in his eyes. Jaehyun thinks he can relate. He wants to cross to the other side and hold Donghyuck, comforting him in a way that he wished someone would do for him. But he doesn’t. His limbs feel heavy with lead, threaded to the bed and unable to move.

“It’s going to be quiet for a while.”

Jaehyun snorts softly, resting an arm above his eyes. “Easier to fall asleep, then.”

“I guess.” Comes the quiet reply.

Jaehyun doesn’t need to look to know the concern pulling Donghyuck’s eyebrows together. Against his better judgment, he asks, “What’s on your mind?”

A pause.

“Nothing. Well, some things,” Donghyuck says. Jaehyun sees the hesitation spelled deep in his eyes. “We’re idols. It’s in our contract to have ridiculous schedules. We stay up and practice for long hours, the process of getting reading _and_ the filming are also long hours. We sometimes get hurt and have to sit out of a promotion period. I’ve been there.” He ducks his head, running his fingers along the seam of the light grey bed sheets. “But is there such a thing as complaining about being overworked? Have people done that before? Do you think EXO-sunbaenims have done it before?”

Jaehyun exhales softly and shrugs. “They might have? They’ve been really busy for as long as I can remember. But we were just trainees back then, management would never let us know about these things.”

Donghyuck hums quietly, pulling his knees against his chest and leaning against the wall. He looks at a blank spot on the wall and sighs. He’s not sharing his thoughts which, in Jaehyun’s experiences, will only fester into something bigger, so Jaehyun changes tactics.

“You’ve also gone from performing and promoting around the world with us to joining a comeback with Dream. Weren’t you exhausted?”

Donghyuck shakes his head with a strange look in his eyes. “I was, but I was also with you guys. We’re _ family_. But here we’re talking about SM’s latest super boy group, SuperM. They are the crème de la crème, handpicked to play specific roles. Mark hasn’t spoken a word to Taemin-sunbaenim since last year’s SM Town in Osaka, and that was just a greeting down the hall. They're not family. It’s not the same.”

The corners of Jaehyun’s mouth twitch. “You’re forgetting that Yukhei, Ten-hyung and Taeyong-hyung will also be there.”

Donghyuck scrunches his nose. “That’s exactly what I’m afraid of. He’s the baby of that group, and he _ likes _ being a baby. What if we lose our leader?”

“He graduated from Dream already, you know,” Jaehyun reminds lightly, because he knows how sensitive Donghyuck can be.

Donghyuck scoffs. “But then he begged me to teach him the choreo of Boom cos he felt FOMO after.”

Jaehyun chuckles. “See, it worked out. If Mark wanted something, he’d figure out a way to get it.”

Donghyuck lets out a long, dramatic sigh. “But what if he wanted to stay with SuperM forever?”

Jaehyun shakes his head, shooting Donghyuck a bemused look. “First of all, SHINee-sunbaenim would want Taemin-hyung back before we get a word in edgewise. Plus, SuperM isn't permanent, and was never meant to be. You heard their run-down, you know how this works.”

Donghyuck scrunches his nose. “Okay so that might’ve been an exaggeration, but you know what I mean,” he pauses, sniffing pathetically for effect. “These collaborations are just the beginning. Even Taeyong-hyung had his solo debut this year. Everyone’s off to do their own thing.”

Jaehyun ignores the jab to his insides and shrugs with as much nonchalance as he can muster. “But nothing's changed. Taeyong-hyung has always had a lot of collaborations in the past.”

“I know, but Taeyong-hyung is different. He’s the leader of NCT.”

“Mark is a big part of NCT too. Most would argue that he’s irreplaceable,” Jaehyun reassures in fond exasperation. “Plus, don’t you want to make your own music, push your name forward? Solo activities are not a bad thing. NCT is your family, but a bird has to leave the nest.”

“We are not birds."

“Could’ve fooled me, with how much tittering comes from that pesky beak of yours.”

“Hyung, stop it with the metaphors. I’m just here to sulk.” Donghyuck pouts.

After a pause, Jaehyun sighs and wordlessly shuffles back to make some space beside him. Donghyuck leaps over in an instant, squeezing himself into the space and throwing an arm around Jaehyun’s waist to nuzzle his head against Jaehyun's shoulder. He mumbles a cute _ Hyung is the best!_ and Jaehyun smiles to himself.

“We, NCT, by definition is limitless. It means the distances we go are limitless, together or individually. It also means our support for each other is limitless, for when you need someone to fall back on,” he says, his voice low and steady. “I had NCT Night Night with Johnny for over a year, and released a song on Station 3. I still came back to 127. Everyone does. So you’re right, we’re not birds, because we will always come back to our core group.”

Donghyuck hums, burying his nose into Jaehyun’s pillow. “See, your stupid analogies don’t work.”

“I can throw you back to your side of the room instead of listening to your mopey rant.”

“Don’t lie, hyung. You can’t even raise a finger right now.”

Just to prove him wrong, Jaehyun digs one arm under Donghyuck’s neck, the other under his butt and lifts him into the air with a fierce, playful challenge to his eyes. Donghyuck yelps and flails. Jaehyun lets out a deep, evil laugh and lifts him higher, just because he can. Then Doyoung thumps on their wall, shouting to keep their voices down.

•••

**02**

•••

It’s been a week since Taeyong-hyung, Mark and the others flew out to America. Jaehyun can’t say he hasn’t thought about their departure, the residual emptiness in the dorm, and the conversation he had with Donghyuck.

On the one hand, he anticipated this. Taeyong-hyung and Mark are both larger than life, spreading their charisma like a virus wherever they perform. They, like the others who were scouted into SuperM, deliver such impactful stages it leaves not just a strong impression, but a lasting memory that becomes the talk of the town for days. Jaehyun had seen the comments online and off. Even Lee Sooman-seonsaengnim spoke of nothing but praises for them.

He’s not worried about the reception. He’s not worried about their success. But there is a tiny voice inside that nags at him, growing louder with time and making him restless.

So one night after vocal lessons, he wanders around the company building. The lingering loneliness of the dorm drives him away. But at the company, he can surround himself with familiar faces, the business will keep him from thinking unwanted thoughts. He can just be himself.

His steps are aimless, his thoughts everywhere.

It leads him to a familiar door. He blinks in surprise, like waking from a sleepwalk. A part of him wonders why he’s here, but another deeper part of him knows. Maybe this is what they call fate. Maybe his subconscious is crawling out from where he buried it, still pushing him to be happier. Maybe he’s been too scared to look until this point.

He sighs, and after swiping his access key across the lock pad and is granted access, steps out to the rooftop.

The night sky is dark, a stark contrast to the bright lights within the building, so it takes a few seconds to adjust. When his eyes grow accustomed to the darkness, he exhales deeply. The outlook to north of Cheongdam-dong is not the typical definition of a picturesque cityscape. But like a moth drawn to the flames, Jaehyun approaches the edge, a place he’s been to more times than he can count, and rests his hands on the railing.

The concrete is solid and cold under his palms, anchoring him from the slow creep of the view, of his thoughts that he could drown into at any moment. Of insecurities like...

Like he's not enough.

It’s silly. He’s achieved a lot. He worked very hard to develop his own dance style. His vocal stability has improved over the years, and his control of it continues to strengthen with every new release. He's worked really hard to learn Japanese, hone his English, and pick up on whatever Chinese he can glean when eavesdropping on the Chinese members. Objectively, he is at a more-than-good place. But he doesn’t feel like he’s enough…

For Taeyong-hyung.

Taeyong-hyung, who’s been breaking his back figuratively and literally, for music, for performances, for work. He’s cracked the code to a certain brand of success, and it's all about the hard work, so he puts it in droves. Sometimes, Jaehyun feels like there is a competition between Mark and him. Who will lose themselves to work more? The difference is, Mark has more than work to think about, to go back to when the day is over. He knows how to enjoy life outside of work.

But Taeyong-hyung doesn’t, and it’s concerning. Jaehyun’s seen multiple managers pull Taeyong-hyung back to ask him about his injuries, to make sure he’s not pushing himself too hard and prematurely truncate his achievements. But Taeyong-hyung looks at them with a firm, confident look in his eyes and replies that he has it under control, that he’s okay. They’d leave him alone after that.

That is what sets Taeyong-hyung apart from the others.

He’s convincing. In fact, he’s a fantastic liar.

Jaehyun used to buy into the lie too, then he realized Taeyong was as tired and drawn to tight lines like the rest of them, ready to snap if the scale tipped against him. He just hid it very well.

What Taeyong eventually learned to do, which gave everyone a temporary breath of relief, was to ask for help. The relief was short-lived because it allowed him to get back to his prime and be ready to work to his bones, again. (The team used to tease Taeyong-hyung about using muscle pain relief patches like an old man would, and then one by one, everyone experienced the same aches and pains over their bodies, and the teasing became kinder and more empathetic.)

If Donghyuck was worried for Mark, Jaehyun’s concern for Taeyong probably double in comparison. Donghyuck always wore his heart on his sleeve, his expressions like an open book.

But Jaehyun, like Taeyong, hid things really well.

It was what they had in common, when their eyes connected across the practice room after learning the choreography to the 0701 dance. The others groaned and complained loudly from the floor of the practice room as puddles of sweat formed around them. Only he and Taeyong-hyung stayed sitting up, albeit with a slouch. Taeyong-hyung smiled at him, and he smiled back with a wince, like they understood the struggle was only temporary. Then together, they summoned the energy to cheer the others on, urging for one more run before going back to the dorms to finally, finally rest.

It was then that he knew he and Taeyong-hyung would always be fated.

They knew they would debut together, no matter what. They would have each other’s backs, even if some reality game shows pitted them against each other. They would check over the team’s choreography cleanliness, making suggestions in kind words when a member’s nerves were grated to thin threads, because everyone had those days, including them. They would confide in each other on those days, and the reasons would often be predictable: I got my grades back, they were not what I expected, I’m afraid my parents will not let me debut. More commonly: The person I liked and thought was into me turned out to use me to get close to the EXO-hyungs. Or, even more commonly: I am tired. 

The last is usually met with a gentle, heartfelt hug before the sentence is over.

They still have each other’s backs. And Taeyong-hyung provided so much insight and support to Jaehyun growing up that he could not imagine how different life would be without Taeyong-hyung.

Only he is having doubts now. Because Taeyong is climbing further and further higher, while Jaehyun feels like he hasn’t progressed.

And the feeling of being left behind is–

His phone rings a familiar tune of muffled synths and distorted pizzicato. Long Flight (Instrumental) flashes across his mind and he stares dumbly at his phone for a moment before hesitantly swiping finger on his phone.

“Hello?”

“Jaehyun-ah,” comes the distorted, familiar voice from the receiver. It makes Jaehyun’s heart beat a little faster, his cheeks flushing. “It’s Taeyongie-hyung.”

_No voice should be able to do this._ “I know, hyung. What’s up?”

“Jungho-hyung has been looking all over for you. He didn’t have a way to contact you since you keep changing your number." He clears his throat, like shaking the sleepiness out of his voice.

_ Now he’s rousing Taeyong-hyung from sleep just because he’s gone missing and his manager lost him. _ Jaehyun swallows thickly and looks down. “Sorry for worrying you.”

“Where are you anyway?”

“Um, the rooftop.”

“The rooftop? Company rooftop?”

“Yeah, I haven’t left.”

Taeyong swears, and it's been so long since Jaehyun's heard it, that a wry smile breaks from his blank face. “I told Jungho-hyung you probably went ahead without him. He might've left.”

Jaehyun shakes his head. “It's okay, he'll figure out that I'm still here sooner or later."

A pause, then:

“Jaehyunie, are you okay?”

Jaehyun inhales sharply. “What do you mean?”

“You sounded weird. Are you feeling sick anywhere?”

“Um. I don’t think so.”

“Then, have you been getting enough sleep?”

“I don’t think so,” he repeats, quieter.

Taeyong sniffs makes an unhappy sound. Jaehyun doesn't doubt that he's gearing for some nagging. But Taeyong surprises him: “Want to hear about my day?”

Jaehyun opens his mouth, closing it, and opens it again. “Sure. How's your day?”

“You're the first person I talked to since waking up an hour ago, so it's going alright.”

Against his sulky mood, Jaehyun cracks a small smile. "Hyung, be serious. How does your schedule look like today?”

He can hear the smile in Taeyong’s voice. “Busy, I guess. It’s pretty much like what happened with Superhuman promotions. We travel around on a coach bus with beds, couches and an empty bar, going from a television show, to interviews, to–”

Jaehyun perks up. “Puppies?”

“I wish,” Taeyong snips, indignant. It sounds like he’s chewing on something. “Though it’s probably a good call. I don’t think we would’ve been able to handle puppies while answering questions. It was a game of _ Would You Rather_.”

“Ah, I remember that. Hyuckie said some good words on that show.”

Taeyong coughs. “So did you, lover boy.”

Jaehyun chuckles lightly. “With good reason. They didn’t edit my part out.”

“Screen-time thirsty.”

“I prefer smart.”

“It’s definitely thirsty.”

Jaehyun hears the quiet chewing sounds again. “Hyung, what are you eating?”

The sounds pause, and Jaehyun suspects Taeyong must’ve pulled away to swallow the bite of food. “Raspberry croissant, I got it last night. I'm getting hungry, and our schedule doesn’t start until noon, so I have a bit of time to kill.”

Jaehyun chuckles. It’s almost 10 pm here, so it would be around 6 am where Taeyong is. “Miss Korean food yet?”

“No, but I’ve packed enough ramyeon to last the trip, and manager-hyung has kimchi in his pack," Taeyong replies, obviously proud of his idea. "I’m getting kind of tired of Shake Shack.”

“Please don’t tell me you’ve only been eating burgers.”

“How else will I fatten up my ass? The fans have been talking about it.”

Jaehyun laughs. “When are they not? Fans will always find something to criticize or praise.”

“Well,” Taeyong sounds put off. “I also want to work on my silhouette too. If there’s a way to balloon it up, I’m game.”

Then Jaehyun remembers. “Was it because of that one time I called it flat?” Taeyong doesn’t immediately reply, and Jaehyun knows he’s hit bullseye. “Hyung.”

“You give yourself too much credit,” Taeyong mutters instead, like he’s embarrassed to be so predictable. “I was actually joking about Shake Shack. I’ve only ordered it once, with the other guys. It wasn’t that good after half an hour of being in transit, and that’s the fastest delivery time.”

“Poor burger.”

“Poor Taeyong who has to endure the soggy burger.”

“Poor burger who was eaten the wrong way– since a burger was never intended to sit through a half hour transit time.”

“Jaehyun-ah. Are you trying to pick a fight with me? Halfway across the world?”

“Are you scared you’ll lose?”

“Unbelievable. You could’ve just said you missed me.”

“All I miss is fuck–”

“JUNG JAEHYUN.”

“–making finger hearts to my favourite hyung.”

“Huh,” Taeyong says after a pause. “Does this mean you’ve also made finger hearts to less favourite hyung’s?”

“Stop fishing. You know you were my first.”

“And last. _Let’s talk about love. Let me talk about love. Yeah I’m talkin’ about you. Yeah I’m talkin’ about you._”

Jaehyun bites back a laugh. “Remind me why I like you again?”

“You don’t need reminders, and stop playing the victim card. You were the one who chased me for half a year.”

“You only bring this up when you’re losing an argument.”

“This is hardly an argument.”

“Discussion, then.”

“There is no win or lose in a discussion.”

Jaehyun tsks. “Technicalities. Point is, you’re with me now, and that’s all that matters.”

The silence that follows is a little unsettling. Because Jaehyun has never been this vocal on call before. Someone could be listening. But to Taeyong, these words are more honest and meaningful than everything he’s heard in the past week. And Jaehyun, he’s forgotten that being with Taeyong, for all that it entails, is what matters most. The distance, the infrequent texts, the muted feelings in between the words of their texts. They’re doing their best, in the ways they know.

All of a sudden, Jaehyun feels his cheeks heat up and he looks away from the city, the view too vivid, almost like the light at an interrogation table. His breaths are soft and steady, his heart beating. He's alive. Alive and well.

It only took a phone call with Taeyong to find his footing again. It was silly to convince himself to handle it alone. He never had to, because he was never alone.

“Hyung, thanks for checking up on me.”

Taeyong makes a long thoughtful noise, no doubt shovelling more food in his mouth. “Give Jungho-hyung a call back when you’re done sulking.”

Jaehyun scrunches his nose. “I was not sulking.”

“I’ll let you think about that one.”

Jaehyun hums, taking a few steps back from the ledge, then walking to the other side of the roof where a simple veranda is, complete with a set of bamboo-woven table and chairs. He’s had enough of the city lights. “Hyung?”

“Hm?”

“When are you coming back?”

"In two weeks or so."

A countdown starts in Jaehyun's mind. "Send me your flight information."

"And not my day to day schedules?" Taeyong teases. "I see, all you care about is when I come back.”

Jaehyun scoffs at the dig. A pause later, his phone buzzes with a new email, making him smile. “I already asked about your day. Weren’t you paying attention?”

“I know, but I’m here for another two weeks,” Taeyong replies, putting a heavy emphasis on the two weeks. “So much could happen.”

“You’re right, two weeks is a long time. Where are my manners?” Jaehyun says teasingly. “Please tell me about your schedule in detail, or what you know of it.”

"Well,” Taeyong takes a deep breath. “I’m not actually allowed to say anything.”

“I know.”

“On that note, have you seen my teaser for SuperM yet?”

“Of course. The concept of Taeyong vs. Taeyong was cool, as was the editing. One might even describe it as… super matrix and master.”

Taeyong half-laughs, half-sighs in embarrassment. “Wish I could do something about that name. When Mark explained the concept to the interviewer, they wore matching dumbfounded expressions. Not in a rude way, but definitely in a slow train-wreck can’t-look-away way. But I mean,” Taeyong pauses to sip on some water. “I know there are reasons for it, but it sounds like some rated R content, and not some Korean boys singing and dancing.”

“Some things are better off not giving too much thought,” Jaehyun replies wryly. “Your stage was amazing though, it’s been the talk–” He hears a muffled murmur from the receiver and pauses. “Have to go now?”

More shuffling sounds echo from Taeyong’s side before he replies. “Yeah, briefing time.”

There is something in the tone of Taeyong’s voice that spells fatigue, and it makes Jaehyun's heart clench a little. “Hyung, wait.”

The shuffling stops. “Hm?”

Jaehyun chews on his lips, measuring the next words, because he doesn’t want to get it wrong. “I know the schedule is demanding, and it’s been an amazing promotion so far, performances and all. Just, try not to go too hard, okay?”

Taeyong replies a pause later, tone teasing and light. “My, I didn’t know Jaehyunie cared so much.”

Jaehyun grumbles, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand. “Just wanted to make sure you come back in one piece, preferably functional and still able to walk without too much difficulty.”

“Hey isn’t that what you said the first night we–”

“Hyung, be serious.”

“You know I can’t make any promises, because going back on my word is not something I want to do.” Taeyong admits quietly. “But I’ll do my best.”

That’s all Jaehyun can hope for. “Thank you, hyung."

"I-” He pauses, and Jaehyun wonders if there’s a connection issue, someone’s trying to slip into their call, or if Taeyong is taking his time with the response.

“Hyung?”

“Sorry, I have to go. But thank you, Jaehyunie. I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Okay,” the dial tone rings in his ear, but Jaehuyn continues, “Taeyongie, please take care.”

•••

**03**

•••

It is common for old wounds to take longer to heal, and if improperly healed, are easier to open.

That was why when Taeyong’s pained expression was caught on camera days before his flight to Korea, right after SuperM’s last performance stage, Jaehyun’s knuckles grow white with rage and frustration, as a flood of concern wash over his nerves. Of course he pushed himself hard. Of course he injured his back, again. Of course, of course, of course.

Out of irrational impulsiveness, he looks up when the next flight to Los Angeles would be, and found it to be fourteen hours between now and when the plane lands. _ It’s too long. _But there are no other options that would bring him to Taeyong so he can shake some sense into the older man, if it means that he’ll stop pushing himself so hard before he tears, sprains, or breaks something.

Jaehyun throws his phone on the bed and paces around the room. Flights are a lost cause. Jungho-hyung and the others at SM wouldn’t let him go, and he certainly doesn’t have the immediate funds to buy himself a plane ticket to LAX on such short notice. He takes a deep breath, and then another, and another. It doesn’t help.

It is no one’s fault, not even Taeyong. Although a voice inside him screams the bitter diatribe so loudly his ears start ringing, he realizes that maybe, just maybe, this train of thought isn’t helping.

With a loud sigh, he throws a sweater on, pulls on his worn sneakers, takes his keys and toes out of his parents’ home.

It’s the weekend, in the middle of the night.

Before he knows it, his feet pick up pace and he’s running.

•••

**04**

•••

Taeyong arrives at the airport wearing a thick sweater, loose trousers, personalized high top Vans, walking through the throngs of fans as a bodyguard opens the road for him, his manager by his side. Behind him follows Mark, Ten and Yukhei; all tired but excited to be back. They’re quickly ushered to their respective vans and shipped off. Ten and Yukhei to their dorms, because they need to prepare for a schedule in Shanghai the next day. Mark to be dropped off at his parent’s place, because it's the weekend and he wants nothing more than to unwind. Lastly, Taeyong will go directly to the company.

Jaehyun knows this. Because if there is something he can count on, it is that Taeyong will never rest.

And so, like any sane person would do (because it really is in Taeyong's best interest), he plots. A few calls and train rides later, his plot is in motion. He hopes it’s going to play out like the way it does in his head. With a nervous sigh, he waits in front of the elevator on the floor to the recording studios.

The elevator doors open and Taeyong's dark eyes land on him immediately, wearing a surprised expression.

"Jaehyunie!"

Jaehyun smiles and waves, balancing a big cardboard box on his knee. "Welcome back, hyung."

"Are you heading out?"

"Sort of. I have a favour to ask, actually. You see, I was told Ruby really wanted to go on a walk.”

The lid of the box comes off, and the small papillon dog all but leaps into Taeyong’s arms, whining and yipping excitedly. Taeyong squeals in surprise as he gets smothered with kisses. “Oh my god, you’re crazy. My parents are crazy for trusting you with Ruby.” Ruby barks, recognizing her name being called. “In our studio, of all places! You’re not even allowed to be here, are you?” He cooes, brushing Ruby’s large fluffy ears with a steady hand.

She growls excitedly and resumes her enthused kissing, which eventually becomes a bit wild, so Taeyong rearranges her in his arms, sitting comfortably on the crook of his arm. He mumbles something sweet and soft, and she eventually settles down. Then he turns to Jaehyun with those stupid, big, bright eyes of his that brim with gratitude and unshed tears, and Jaehyun feels like everything is better already.

“‘A walk’?”

Jaehyun snaps out of his reverie and quickly digs in his pocket for the leash. “Yeah! Hold on, I have the leash here.”

“But it’s going to be a new path. Is Ruby gonna be able to handle this?” Taeyong tucks the leash into his pocket and turns to the pup in his arms. Ruby makes a loud yip, licking her nose and staring at Taeyong. He cradles her more closely against his chest.

“Ah, my musical progress thwarted by my own underling,” he teases with an edge of warning, because nothing slips past him. “This is mutiny.”

“_ Under _ling, eh? Is that the position you like me?" Jaehyun smirks. "And please, it’s only mutiny if I take over your role as leader of NCT, and we both know I would rock that role.”

“Check your ego,” Taeyong scolds without heat. “But hey, you make a good point. Since you’re so competitive, you could rise to the challenge.” Taeyong straightens, a strange glint in his eyes. “Who knows, you might become better than me.”

Jaehyun grins. “You almost got me. Shouldn’t have said the first bit though. My ego is under control, thank you very much.”

Taeyong laughs. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Hyung!”

Taeyong meets Jaehyun’s eye across the elevator, and they share a small, playful grin. The elevator hits the ground floor and the doors open. Ruby lets out an excited bark and tugs at the leash, but Taeyong doesn’t give. He makes sure she calms down before walking with her beside him. Jaehyun patiently holds the elevator doors open for them. They pull on their facemasks, then head out the back doors in case fans or paparazzi have congregated at the front. Taeyong tugs at Jaehyun's sleeve, nodding down one street.

"Let's go to Hangang. It's easier to walk Ruby there."

Jaehyun nods. "Okay."

Ruby, happy to see her favourite human again, walks in front of them with an energetic bounce to her steps. Taeyong notices and smiles to himself. He and Jaehyun fall into a comfortable pace, eyes on the road ahead, the way to Hangang almost an imprint on the back of their hands, with how often they used to take it in the trainee days.

But there’s something bothering Jaehyun. He takes a deep breath, shooting a glance at Taeyong from the corner of his eye, and says, "Just now, when you talked about me being a better leader than you, did you mean that?"

Taeyong stills for a split second, before nods slowly.

Jaehyun hums, low and quietly in contemplation. "What makes you think that?"

Taeyong shrugs, tucking a hand in his jacket pocket. "You work hard, really hard. You jive well with everyone. You might've been able to bring the team higher than I have. You have to admit that I haven’t been a good leader lately, with all the solo promotions driving me away from the group."

"Ten, Mark and Yukhei were there though. It’s the nature of our work."

"I know."

Jaehyun chews on his bottom lip as Taeyong’s reply wash over him. The conversation with Donghyuck resurfaces like an old scar, and something in his chest throbs.

"You were thrown into being a leader. You weren't comfortable with the decision for years.” His words come out in a measured tone. "Would you rather someone else take the lead? Because I can and will make the argument that you make the best leader out of us."

Taeyong scoffs sarcastically. "I was half-joking. And I can’t take your word for it. You’re biased."

"I was there when everything happened. My opinion has more weight than someone who has never stepped foot into our practice sessions or," Jaehyun pauses, shooting Taeyong a look to warn him not to interrupt. "The opinions of a very biased source, because he can be so hard on himself sometimes."

"I am not biased," Taeyong insists, looking away from the intensity of Jaehyun's eyes. "Maybe Taeil would be a better leader. Everyone respects him. He's even got Donghyuck wrapped around his pinky finger. Hyuckie never listens to me."

Jaehyun shakes his head. "He doesn’t listen to anyone except Mark when he whines enough. But then again, Mark always whines."

They share a quiet chuckle before Taeyong shakes his head and replies, "Mark would be an awesome leader too. He was amazing in Dream."

Jaehyun looks behind and around him, and when he sees the empty streets, reaches to wrap his hand around Taeyong's free hand, the one that’s not holding the leash, in a warm, firm grip. Taeyong's eyes snap open, quickly looking around for stray flashes, and when none happened, he stares at Jaehyun with a question in his eyes.

“Is this okay?” Jaehyun asks.

“I… we haven’t held hands in–” It’s been so long Taeyong’s forgotten the last time they held hands in public. He clears his throat and nods. “Yeah, this is okay.”

“Good. Because I’m going to hold you down as I blow the living daylights out of you,” Taeyong’s eyes widen comically and he stops walking altogether, and Jaehyun continues with a smirk, “with compliments. So bear with me.

“You might think you’re not special. That you got lucky, being born with such good looks, so the casting agents found you and put you into the company. You’re probably right about that because adults, especially casting agents, can be predatory. But I will bet every cell in my body that it’s not what made you into who you are today. It’s not why you’re here, achieving all the things you achieve. And I’m not talking about awards or recognitions, but the fact that even before you step on a stage, you have already performed a hundred times, _ perfectly _, in the practice studio. Your work ethics and perseverance got you here. If you didn’t put in the work, you’d be kicked out.

“When I look at you, I see a person who tries with everything that he is to improve and exceed expectations. You go above and beyond every single day, and your drive inspires and motivates the people around you. Similarly, you don’t hold back when you help others. I learned a lot from you growing up, even though you were only two years older. You knew how to speak to me, understood me, and helped me in ways that no one else had.”

A slow light of realization dawns in Taeyong’s eyes, and he ducks his head instinctively to hide his blushing cheeks. Jaehyun squeezes the hand in his, showing that he’s not going anywhere.

“Remember that night when you asked me to stay back after practice?”

Taeyong clears his throat and nods. “Of course.”

“I was terrible. I couldn’t get anything right. I missed beats, my movements were stiff and my body didn’t feel like my own. We kept going over the same parts over and over again, and everyone was getting tired of me. When you asked me to stay back, I thought I was in trouble. I thought my performance was going to leave a mark on my record. But you didn’t even ask what happened to me. You didn’t ask about my shitty attitude. All you did was share a story about how you used to mess up, how the dance instructors said you couldn’t be a main dancer, and how it made you really sad, but it also gave you a goal- to shut him up. You didn’t force me to talk, not at the beginning, anyway.”

Taeyong shakes his head. “I knew you needed space. I just wanted to make sure you know you’re not alone, and that I’m there when you need someone to talk to.”

“I know. It is one of the many qualities I love about you.”

Taeyong stops walking this time around. He tries to yank his hand out of Jaehyun’s grip, but the other holds tightly, and he feels even more lightheaded from all the heat rushing to his cheeks.

“Jaehyunie.”

“Loathe as I am to admit, but you do this to everyone. Do you know why Mark asks you questions? It’s cos he wants to learn from _ you _; he looks up to you," Jaehyun notes, tone hardening to get his message across. "You can't take yourself out of the picture, out of NCT, and expect the group to function as it always had."

Taeyong fidgets, like he wants to say something, wants to struggle out of Jaehyun’s grip again, to bite his nails out of nervousness, but he doesn’t. Instead, he tucks his head and mumbles, “I guess.”

Then a thought occurs to Jaehyun.

"Did something happen in SuperM?"

There was a long pause before Taeyong nods.

"Yeah," he replies, sucking a deep breath before continuing. "I didn't know much about team dynamics. I didn't understand how other teams worked. I only knew NCT, and how the group was my responsibility. All I could think of was how to debut as a group. How to keep as many of us together. How to make each of us shine together and individually.

"I considered work as work. That we must be on our best behaviour to not make a mistake, give the press something bad to say about us. But I neglected that we could, and should have fun. When I was training with SuperM, I felt that."

"To have fun?"

"To enjoy myself. I know we haven't always been this way, but as a leader, I feel like I have sapped out a lot of fun that the team could be having. I took everything too seriously because I was scared to fail. Scared to upset the company. The team fell into place with me. None of us knew to push buttons, to have fun. I feel like I've taken so much away from everyone-"

"This isn't your fault," Jaehyun interrupts, shaking his head. "We signed up knowing that we have to withhold parts of ourselves to the public. We also have to hold ourselves to an unrealistic but necessary higher level of accountability and social morality. It comes with the job."

"But actually enjoying this is–"

"You miss it, don't you?"

"I missed us having it."

There was a short pause, before a slow smirk creeps across Jaehyun's face, and Taeyong groans and steps away, breaking the atmosphere. Jaehyun snickers, low and hearty.

"Hyung," Jaehyun sniffles between choked laughter. "You did that to yourself."

"Oh I'm sure it's more like you doing it to yourself tonight. I can't believe you would even suggest a banging joke when we're having such a serious conversation!"

Jaehyun loses it in a round of booming laughter. Ruby gets tired of sniffing the bushes, and turns to bark at them. Taeyong notes with sarcasm that she may be voicing her annoyance towards a certain loud idiot. Jaehyun thinks Ruby just wants another treat, and she did, if the excitement she displayed after he procured said treat was anything to go by.

“I can’t believe you went to him just because he gave you a treat!” Taeyong scolds.

Ruby ignores his indignant sputtering while she enjoys her treat, then she turns her big brown eyes to Jaehyun, asking for more.

“No more.” Jaehyun waves his empty hands in front of Ruby’s narrow snout, and she licks his palm twice to get the last taste and whines a little. “Also your owner will give me a hard time for making you like me more than him, which, obviously you would.”

Taeyong stares at the pair in mock betrayal. “Mutiny, starting with my own _ Ruby _. You’re unbelievable, Jung Jaehyun.”

“I’m also quite unbelievable in bed.” Jaehyun winks.

Taeyong narrows his eyes at Jaehyun, who smiles back a little cheekily, a little vulnerable. The breath Taeyong holds comes out in a soft sigh. He wraps his hand around Jaehyun’s and pulls him along.

They walk in silence for a long time before Taeyong speaks.

“Did you really think I’d enjoy myself too much I’d never want to go back to NCT?”

“Donghyuck also thought about this with Mark, you know. It’s not that uncommon.”

Taeyong snorts. “Stop deflecting, idiot. You should’ve told me you had those thoughts. I would’ve done or said something to, I don’t know, to ease your concern.”

Jaehyun shakes his head, because he rarely admits his insecurities. “You’ll always be a part of NCT. We all know this. But I also know you like to work in the studio, with composers, sound technicians, and producers, a lot of whom are older than us. It seemed like you like to be led as much as taking the lead, so I thought...”

Taeyong squeezes Jaehyun’s hand lightly, shaking his head. “That I would take more personal projects? And that everyone in the team would eventually branch off and do their own thing?”

“We’ve established a strong base in 2019. It makes sense to push our brand forward to make ourselves even more well known, become a household name, whatever it means.”

Taeyong shakes his head. “It means that there’s strength in numbers. We’re not going to break apart and lead personal projects indefinitely. NCT will always be here.” His thumb brushes along Jaehyun knuckle thoughtlessly. “Even I can’t say for sure how many personal projects we, individually, will have until we cross that bridge. But music should be as limitless as the creator’s wish.”

Jaehyun shakes his head. “I know that. But I get the feeling of impermanence when I hear that.”

“It’s not going to happen.”

Jaehyun slows his steps, pulling Taeyong’s hand with him. “Are you just saying that?”

Taeyong catches his gaze with a steady look. “I love NCT. In the last few weeks I've learned that there is a lot to team dynamics, especially when it comes to lightening up and having fun. But it had also reaffirmed some things. I love NCT. I can't imagine not having you, and the others in my life. And at the end of the day, everyone’s on a different path. What EXO hyung’s have done is not what I will do; we don’t need to compare.”

Ruby barks. Taeyong laughs.

“See, Ruby agrees.”

They’ve stopped walking again, but Ruby doesn’t mind. Jaehyun looks into Taeyong’s eyes, like he’s trying to figure something out. But he sees nothing but confidence. Taeyong knows what he’s saying, and Jaehyun should trust him.

When he pulls Taeyong close, the older man anticipates it and steps into his space, eyes soft and arms outstretched.

Thin.

“Let’s get some food with everyone else tomorrow.”

Taeyong nods into Jaehyun’s shoulder, tightening his grip around his shoulders, and inhales deeply.

“Taeyong-ah, I’ve missed you.”

“You always say that.”

“It’s not just me. Everyone’s missed you.”

Taeyong wants to shrug and protest, but Jaehyun holds tight, pressing his feelings into the hug, and it stops Taeyong. Finally, he relaxes and allows himself to be held.

“I’ve missed you too. You and everyone.”

Jaehyun’s arms instinctively tightens around Taeyong’s waist.

“Good.”

•••

**05**

•••

It’s just past midnight when they make it back to their dorms. The only lights on are in Taeyong’s and Johnny’s room. Ruby stays by Taeyong's ankle, sniffing curiously at the mountain of sneakers by the door. She makes a face, and scampers into the kitchen area. Taeyong toes his shoes off while Jaehyun sneaks another treat for Ruby.

"I saw that."

Jaehyun blinks innocently. "Must be a trick of the eye. Nothing happened, right Ruby?"

She licks her chops.

Taeyong rolls his eyes, and takes out his clean tissues to wipe Ruby down. She gives her paws with a look of _ Here we go again _ in her eyes. Jaehyun comments that he can sympathize. Taeyong steps on his toes in response.

When Taeyong is done cleaning Ruby’s paws, he turns to Jaehyun and extends his hand. Jaehyun doesn’t move immediately, so he narrows his eyes and somehow, his threatening aura expands. Then Jaehyun nonchalantly hands over the small bag of treats, not because he’s intimidated, but Taeyong looks like a chihuahua and it’s getting a little weird.

Taeyong hides it away before Jaehyun sees and Ruby can look up at him with her big eyes. He knows his resolve is worse than Jaehyun. Anymore treats and Ruby will be too spoiled to remember her training.

Taeyong opens the door to his room and takes in the scene: Mark came to visit and, from the looks of it, passed out due to exhaustion. Tucked to his side is the small head of Donghyuck, an arm draped loosely around Mark’s middle, probably drooling a puddle on his sweater. Johnny looks up from the noise, and waves tiredly at Taeyong; his eyes are heavy with sleep. They must’ve been sharing SuperM stories. Taeyong smiles to himself.

“Good night,” he whispers, closing the door behind him.

Then he notices Ruby has gone, the bathroom door open, and finds Jaehyun brushing his teeth and wearing only his pyjama bottoms. Taeyong stumbles backwards, two steps at a time, and smacks his hand across his eyes in a haste to cover them. It hurts, but the image sears into the back of his eyelids all the same.

“Isn’t it too cold to be walking around topless?”

Jaehyun straightens and almost like he doesn’t know that he’s doing it, stretches an arm up to rub the back of his neck and displaying his stupidly toned body in a stupidly shameless way that makes Taeyong sputter ten ways to hell (because there is no way he’ll go to heaven with these thoughts). “Naw ith graur ahwath warnth ige mhe.”

Taeyong talks to the wall. “Spit before speaking.”

“Not if you’re always warm like me.”

It is less the words than it is the minty breath that tickles the shell of Taeyong’s ear and sends a shiver down his spine. _ Wha- _

Jaehyun wraps his arms around Taeyong’s middle, caging his arms and all in a loose hug, and presses a soft kiss on his nape. “Wash up and go to bed, hyung.”

Taeyong turns his head slightly, and Jaehyun kisses his ear next. “My bed’s taken.”

“Doyoung?”

“Hyuck and Mark. Mark was probably updating them with SuperM news.”

Jaehyun hums thoughtfully and steps back to see for himself. Taeyong takes the chance to quickly wash up before getting cornered again. Ruby is still nowhere to be found. He grumbles through the foam and wonders if Jaehyun’s found the bag of treats to coerce Ruby to the dark side.

As he finishes up, he hears a soft whine and a yawn, and notices Jaehyun’s room door open, a small, warm light coming from within. As he looks inside he sees Ruby tuckered down, making a nest on Taeyong’s bundled clothes on the floor. Jaehyun himself is leaning against his headboard and looking at something on his phone.

“Game?”

“Article about your injuries, actually. They’re mostly speculations." Jaehyun puts his phone away and frowns at Taeyong. "Though, the image of you laying on a gurney gave a lot of people a heart attack.”

Taeyong sits on the edge of Donghyuck’s bed. “The news always make it look worse than it is.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. “You need to take better care of yourself.”

Ruby snorts softly, and tucks herself more tightly in the makeshift bed.

“Ruby agrees.”

Taeyong scoffs, smoothing the bedsheets absentmindedly. “She was finding the perfect spot to sleep, which leads to an interesting question: since when did you start stealing my clothes?”

Jaehyun goes back to staring at his phone with unparalleled intensity.

Since no answer is forthcoming, Taeyong continues, “I always put my clothes away after I wash them, but now they’re on your floor, under Ruby.”

“You were gone for over three weeks, okay? I can’t remember the last time we’ve been apart for that long, especially after we’ve debuted,” Jaehyun replies in a non-answer, avoiding Taeoyng’s eyes in equal parts of embarrassment and irritation.

A small smile pulls across Taeyong’s face. “Stupid.”

Jaehyun huffs. “Come here.”

Taeyong obediently goes to him, who pulls him closer, making him fall gracelessly into a heap beside him. He kicks the blankets from underneath and wraps it around them securely (it is getting cooler, after all). The motion pulls Taeyong’s body closer to him.

“I’ve missed you,” he repeats softly, inhaling Taeyong's scent.

“I’ve missed you too,” Taeyong echoes, reaching up and pressing a soft kiss on Jaehyun’s forehead. “Now go to sleep.”

“Mm. Good night, hyung.”

“Good night.”

•••

**epilogue**

•••

“I can totally pull off a mutiny, just so you know.”

Taeyong opens one tired eye, and snuggles closer into Jaehyun's arms. “I’m sure you can.”

“I already have Johnny and Doyoung as my left and right hand men, and with Doyoung comes Jungwoo. Donghyuckie has been my roommate for two years now, and Taeil follows him wherever he goes. Mark is my soulmate, and he’s also easily won over with watermelon.” Jaehyun grins charmingly. “Lastly, I’ll tell Yuta about this bet and how it means that you’ll finally get some rest, and he’ll fall in line. Easy.”

“You’ll never be me.”

“I don’t need to be like you to be better than you.”

“That ego does not look cute on you.”

“Neither does being overworked look on you, hyung.”

Taeyong looks up from Jaehyun’s chin and presses a tired, half-hearted kiss on the soft skin there before giving it a playful nip. “Only because you don’t shut up. Unlike you, I’m trying to sleep here.”

Jaehyun chuckles, soft and content.

“Good night, Taeyongie.”


End file.
